As we all know, in last November’s presidential election, Donald Trump defeated what’s-her-name and left Democrats trailing Republicans in popularity by a margin of approximately everybody to nothing. Now, Democrats are trying to find a new way forward that does not involve finding a new way forward. Democrat National Committee Chairman Mao Tse Muhammed Jihad Vladimir Muhammed Allahu Akbar Stalin Jihad Mohammed recently addressed the subject in a speech entitled “How Can They Hate Us When We’re So Hep?” The Speech was delivered to the annual meeting of the Future Illegal Alien Terrorists Who Hate America of America, or the FIATWHA – and then another A. Mr. Jihad, who goes by the name of Miss Jihad and uses the pronouns He and Be, as in the sentence “He be giving me the heebee geebees,” told the gathering, “It’s time to face up to the truth. We Democrats instigated fatal riots and then pretended they weren’t happening, we opened our borders to criminals and terrorists and pretended that wasn’t happening, we sexually mutilated children in the name of a perverted fantasy, we censored anyone who disagreed with us and tried to put our political opponents in jail, and we acted with such weakness and incompetence overseas that it inspired our enemies to begin wars in both Europe and the Middle East. Now we must ask ourselves, since we’re doing everything perfectly according to plan, why the hell doesn’t the public love us like they should?”
In an attempt to refresh the party’s image, the Democrats have turned to 83-year-old Senator Bernie Sanders, a man who lived through the Communist gulags of Russia, the Communist enslavement of Eastern Europe, the Communist slaughter in China, and the Communist genocide in Cambodia without once changing his opinion that Communism works great, especially in Norway, where they don’t have it. Sanders has been declared the new face of the Democrat party and has been teamed up with Alexandria Ocasio Cortez who has been declared the new rack of the Democrat party. Asked about this arrangement, Sheldon Whitehouse, the Junior Senator from the State of Unbelievable Corruption, said “With Bernie Sanders as our new face and AOC as our new rack we will have a hideous old face with a great rack and that’s a winning combination because when you have a great rack, no one looks at your face.”
WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Sanders and AOC have been traveling the country staging what they call the “Rally in Favor of a Failed Economic System that has led to Enslavement and Mass Murder Wherever it’s Been Tried but For Some Reason we still Think Is Great.”
The rallies generally open with a ringing speech from Sanders who tells the crowd, “I happen to believe that billionaires should pay their fair share of utterly useless programs that nonetheless convince poor people to vote for us even as their states and cities descend into apocalyptic dysfunction because of those same programs. I happen to believe that socialism has worked really great, especially in Norway. And I happen to believe that what I happen to believe should happen to matter to every person who happens to care what an octogenarian Communist just happens to believe. And by the way, here’s AOC and, golly, will you look at the rack on that woman.”
When Sanders finishes his speech, he turns the microphone over to AOC who says, “I’ve come here today to say completely nonsensical things in a loud shrill voice full of make-believe sincerity. All across this country, I see people left behind by capitalism for no other reason than that they don’t work or contribute to society in any way. It isn’t fair. Well, okay, it actually is kind of fair, but it isn’t right. And even if it is right, I think there are enough total wastrels who feel entitled to a portion of the wealth created by other people that we might have enough votes to turn this country around. And hey, my eyes are up here. Why aren’t you looking in my eyes?”
So far the rallies have been filled with thousands of cheering people, most of them Republicans who feel they’ll never lose an election again.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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[[{“value”:”
As we all know, in last November’s presidential election, Donald Trump defeated what’s-her-name and left Democrats trailing Republicans in popularity by a margin of approximately everybody to nothing. Now, Democrats are trying to find a new way forward that does not involve finding a new way forward. Democrat National Committee Chairman Mao Tse Muhammed Jihad Vladimir Muhammed Allahu Akbar Stalin Jihad Mohammed recently addressed the subject in a speech entitled “How Can They Hate Us When We’re So Hep?” The Speech was delivered to the annual meeting of the Future Illegal Alien Terrorists Who Hate America of America, or the FIATWHA – and then another A. Mr. Jihad, who goes by the name of Miss Jihad and uses the pronouns He and Be, as in the sentence “He be giving me the heebee geebees,” told the gathering, “It’s time to face up to the truth. We Democrats instigated fatal riots and then pretended they weren’t happening, we opened our borders to criminals and terrorists and pretended that wasn’t happening, we sexually mutilated children in the name of a perverted fantasy, we censored anyone who disagreed with us and tried to put our political opponents in jail, and we acted with such weakness and incompetence overseas that it inspired our enemies to begin wars in both Europe and the Middle East. Now we must ask ourselves, since we’re doing everything perfectly according to plan, why the hell doesn’t the public love us like they should?”
In an attempt to refresh the party’s image, the Democrats have turned to 83-year-old Senator Bernie Sanders, a man who lived through the Communist gulags of Russia, the Communist enslavement of Eastern Europe, the Communist slaughter in China, and the Communist genocide in Cambodia without once changing his opinion that Communism works great, especially in Norway, where they don’t have it. Sanders has been declared the new face of the Democrat party and has been teamed up with Alexandria Ocasio Cortez who has been declared the new rack of the Democrat party. Asked about this arrangement, Sheldon Whitehouse, the Junior Senator from the State of Unbelievable Corruption, said “With Bernie Sanders as our new face and AOC as our new rack we will have a hideous old face with a great rack and that’s a winning combination because when you have a great rack, no one looks at your face.”
WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Sanders and AOC have been traveling the country staging what they call the “Rally in Favor of a Failed Economic System that has led to Enslavement and Mass Murder Wherever it’s Been Tried but For Some Reason we still Think Is Great.”
The rallies generally open with a ringing speech from Sanders who tells the crowd, “I happen to believe that billionaires should pay their fair share of utterly useless programs that nonetheless convince poor people to vote for us even as their states and cities descend into apocalyptic dysfunction because of those same programs. I happen to believe that socialism has worked really great, especially in Norway. And I happen to believe that what I happen to believe should happen to matter to every person who happens to care what an octogenarian Communist just happens to believe. And by the way, here’s AOC and, golly, will you look at the rack on that woman.”
When Sanders finishes his speech, he turns the microphone over to AOC who says, “I’ve come here today to say completely nonsensical things in a loud shrill voice full of make-believe sincerity. All across this country, I see people left behind by capitalism for no other reason than that they don’t work or contribute to society in any way. It isn’t fair. Well, okay, it actually is kind of fair, but it isn’t right. And even if it is right, I think there are enough total wastrels who feel entitled to a portion of the wealth created by other people that we might have enough votes to turn this country around. And hey, my eyes are up here. Why aren’t you looking in my eyes?”
So far the rallies have been filled with thousands of cheering people, most of them Republicans who feel they’ll never lose an election again.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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